2015: Here Comes The Bride! By Pius Adesanmi

Columnist: Pius Adesanmi
Beijing. The upper five floors of the most expensive hotel in town
have been temporarily renamed "Abuja Floors" because the management of
the hotel has never had a presidentialdelegation book by number of
floors instead of by number of rooms. Warned by their Embassy in
Abuja, theChinese had taken the precaution of soundproofing all the
five floors booked by the Nigerian presidential delegation. On every
floor, there are telltale signs of Nigerian power and money: rooms and
hallways are littered with discarded tissue paper, empty whisky
bottles, empty cans of Guinness and Heineken, bones of half-eaten
chicken wings, kolanuts, bitter kola, tomtom, empty packets of Benson
& Hedges and St. Moritz.
Most of the rooms are in a party atmosphere as members of the
delegation jostle between official engagements with their Chinese
counterparts and partying in their rooms with aspiring Nollywood
actresses dispatched to Beijing aheadof their arrival. Girls, girls,
girls everywhere. Occasionally, a directive comes from Oga at the top
in the presidential suite: take it easy boys. Make it less rowdy.
Amidst all the chaos, some key Presidency aides are rushing to an
emergency meeting summoned by Mallam Dan-Ahmed Kalug, a political
adviser to the President. The usual suspects, Orontus, Ruby, and
Renoks engage in animated discussion as they approachKalug's suite at
the end of a long hallway. Ruby hums under his breath
A l'owo ma j'aiye
Eyin le mo
Awon to j'aiye l'ana da
Won ti ku won ti lo
(If you get money and you no chop life
Na you sabi
Those wey chop life yesterday
Don quench comot for dis world)
Knock, knock. A door opens and the aides file into Mallam Kalug's room
"Mallam Kalug, how now? Na which one be dis emergency meeting wey you
call so? No be today we dey all goback home?"
"Oga Orontus, welcome. Ruby, Ruby! How now? Chief Renoks, how far? Una
welcome. All is well. Better dey. I have summoned you all to discuss a
fantastic opportunity for Oga. I presume you've heard the news from
home today?"
"Ehn, Amaechi don quench?"
"Shege, Ruby, na so you hate di man reach? Amaechi never quench o.
That's not the news I am talking about."
"Oho, you mean the news about that old man with a white mane abusing
our mother? We've heard."
"Renoks, why will I summon you guys because of that? Am I Ayo Osinlu?
I saythere is a situation developing wey fithelp us for 2015."
"Then Oga Kalug, tell us wetin dey happen now."
"Well, the news coming out of Nigeriatoday is that a Court of Appeal
has finally freed Abacha's butcher and told him to go home."
"O ti o! Abacha's butcher is free?"
"Yes o, Oga Orontus, he has been released from prison."
"Okay, even if he is free, I still don't see the connection. Why
summon us so hurriedly to this meeting because Abacha's butcher is
free?"
"Yes o, Mallam Kalug, I'm with Renoks on this one. I don't exactly see
the connection."
"Chei, wallahi Ruby and Renoks, after two years with us, you guys
still haven't fully learnt all the tricks of ourpolitical chess game.
How can anybody hoping to continue chopping with Oga after 2015 not
see the fantastic opportunity presented by the butcher's release?"
"Okay, Mallam Kalug, agreed, we are still neophytes. Please explain
all of this to us.""Ruby, look at how miserable your lifehas been
because of an emboldened opposition. Oga and Madam even had to hire
Alagba Doyin Okupe to help improve your firepower. Even the NGFunder
Amaechi has joined the emboldened opposition in poking ten fingers
inside Oga's two nostrils. And you, Renoks, when was the last time you
slept properly? You are up 24/7 managing your many fake identities on
social media, fighting Oga's enemies, supervising the cells you hire
to clog the websites of hostile media with anonymous commentaries.
Everybody is having Oga for dinner. We have never been more vulnerable
as 2015 approaches."
"That may be true, Mallam Kalug, but Istill don't see the connection."
"Well, this man that has been released from prison, have you all
forgotten the talents he put to such extraordinarily good use for his
former boss?"
"Ehn, Mallam Kalug, I hope you are notthinking what I think you are
thinkingo. That is a no-go area for Oga o."
"Oga Orontus, let me land now. I am not necessarily saying that Oga
should use the Esa Oke Protocol on members of the Opposition and
thosetrying to take 2015 from us."
"Then what exactly are you saying? The Esa Oke Protocol is the only
talentthat the man in question has. That is what he was born to do and
did so well for his former boss. But he was doing it as a soldier
working for a soldier. I will support our using every gutter strategy
in the book for 2015 but I will not support the Esa Oke Protocol. Even
Oga no go gree."
"Oga Orontus, you still don't understand! If we hire him and make him
very very comfortable before others get to him, we will be killing
several birds with one stone. You yourself have admitted that the Esa
Oke Protocol is the only thing the man knows how to do. How long do
you think it will take him to reactivateold networks and get back to
business as we approach 2015? And now, he will be out there as a
mercenary, waiting for the first or the highest bidder. Can we really
afford tolet anybody else hire him?"
"Orontus, I think Mallam Kalug has a point there o."
"I agree, Ruby, but I am not fully sold on this yet. I cannot approach
Oga with this kind of talk unless I see that there are advantages
without our having to make the man activate the Esa Oke Protocol for
real. Oga will not have anybody's blood on his hand."
"But Oga Orontus, apart from making sure his services are not
available to those who may really want to use himpractically for the
Esa Oke Protocol, the greatest advantage of absorbing him into our
camp lies in appearancesand deterrence."
"How so, Mallam Kalug?"
"Have you forgotten the reputation ofwho we are talking about? This is
the Army Major before whom Generals prostrated and pissed. This is the
Army Major who made 150 million people shit in their pants at the mere
mention of his name. That name has not lost its symbolic power of
terror. Once it goes public that he is now working for us, do you see
Lai Mohammed running his mouth against us? Do you see Amaechi
misbehaving? That foolish Ribadu willforget about sinking ships and
take one chance back to exile. Everybody will run for cover. Nobody
will know that we don't really intend to use himfor the Esa Oke
Protocol. But they must believe that that is what we hired him for in
order for this strategyto succeed. The mere mention of that name will
make half of the Presidential hopefuls in the APC deny their
presidential ambition. Oga couldalmost get re-elected unopposed in
2015 if we hire the man."
"Ah, now you are talking, Mallam Kalug. This is a fantastic plan. Put
a proposal together quickly that I can submit to Oga. How much do you
think Operation Hire Abacha's Butcherwould cost?"
"Well, assuming we make the man Special Adviser to Oga on Security
andSpecial Intelligence Services, he will work for us between now and
2015. Something like N20 billion should be okay. Four of us here
worked on this plan. We can add N10 billion to it as our own
consultancy stipend. That makes it a total of N30 billion."
"Okay, Mallam Kalug, put the proposaltogether so I can present it to
Oga on the flight back to Abuja. Round it up toN50 billion."
"Okay. I must say, however, that nothing is predictable. We may say
here that we are just hiring him for intimidation and appearances only
to discover as things heat up in 2014 thatwe actually need him to move
beyond appearances…"
"Mallam Kalug, prepare and submit your proposal."
In Ota. Ebora Owu breezes into his living room. An ebullient
light-complexioned man and a dark man prostrate. Ebora Owu quickly
moves to lift up the light-complexioned man. Hugs, back patting, and
riotous laughter. The dark man sits down, feeling a bit ignored
"The Tura Boy of Ogbomoso himself! Awo e yi ma ndan si lojojumo o!
Your skin is getting lighter and brighter every day o. Ope ni fun Tura
o. We thank God for Tura o."
"Ah, Baba, you and this your Tura jokes. Ola Oloun ni o. We are
shining by God's grace o.""Iwo wi! The Tura boy himself! And what are
you doing in my house with this boy? Ayo, you are not ashamed to come
to Ota? Iwo omo alai lojuti yi. Did you not open your mouth to call me
a father of bastards? A whole me, you abused me in public and called
me a father of bastards. Now you are here with Tura Boy. Ah, Alao, o
se wo ni o. You shouldn't have brought this stupid boy to my house."
Alao and Ayo prostrate, begging EboraOwu profusely. After one and a
half hours of begging on their bellies, he finally asks them to seat
down.
"So, Tura Boy, mo ngbo yin. What can Ido for you guys?"
"Baba we are here to give you progress report on our strategy to
recapture the entire southwest for the PDP in 2015. We have made a lot
of progress, especially in Lagos whereLagos Boy has taken the battle
fully toour enemies. In fact, he would have come with us today…"
"Ehn, did you say you would also havecome here with Bode George? Ah,
Tura Boy, o fe mi fun re o. You don't like me at all. Are you not
aware that I asked him for tibi when he got out of prison and he still
has not delivered? That boy got away with the N80 billion he stole at
the NPA and I asked him to do omoluabi with only N20 billion to those
of us who helped him get away with the loot. That greedy boy did not
deliver. Soponna would have struck you if you brought him here."
"But, Baba, we cannot recapture Lagoswithout him o. Once we recapture
Lagos and take away the treasury from Asiwaju, I will personally make
sure he does omoluabi to you in ilopomewa. Tenfold omoluabi, I
guarantee it Baba."
"Okay, if you say so. So what do you guys need for complete success in
Operation Wet the Southwest in 2015?"
"That's why we are here Baba. Irohin ayo la mu wa. There is fantastic
news in town. Won ti release omo Gambari Abacha yen?"
"Ehn, that omo buruku who nearly killed me has been released?"
"Yes o, Baba, he has been released. And we need to recruit him quickly
forour operations in the Southwest before others get to him."
"Yes, Baba…"
"Ehn, Ayo, you are talking? You talk when I say you talk. If you are
not careful, we may not award you Government House in Ekiti after
driving Fayemi out. So, let Tura Boy dothe talking."
"Baba, if we can hire that Gambari boy, we can consider the southwest
in our bag in 2015. All he will need to do is apply the Esa Oke
Protocol to a few targets and our opposition will fizzle away."
"Okay, I will give your plan a chance. You guys will have to mobilize
the funds to hire him. Make sure he does not take out more than three
targets. Remember to establish a scholarship fund for the children of
the targets when the deed is done.
Bourdillon Road. The Lord of Oluwalambe Lodge breezes into a huge
living room. About 25 political associates prostrate. They sit only
after the Lord of Oluwalambe Lodge sits.
"Ehen, eyin ara'bi, I understand that one of you has a proposal for us
to consider?"
"Yes, Baba Oluwalambe, ke pe fun wa sir. May your dominion over us
last forever. The recent release of Abacha's caretaker from prison is
what got me thinking."
"Thinking about what?"
"That we should move quickly and hire him as part of our strategies
for 2015. Given that prison could not havetaken away his God-given
talent, we must bring him into our camp before others get to him sir."
"Okay, I need to be somewhere in thenext two minutes. Explain the full
details of your plan to the boys. If they approve it, give us a budget
and I will see which of my appointed Governors will fund it."
The political associates burst into a solidarity song as Baba
Oluwalambe exits with a few aides
Baba o baba o baba o
Oluwa da baba si fun wa
Baba o baba o baba o
Oluwa da baba si fun wa
(Baba o baba o baba o
God grant long life to our Baba)