Nigerian politicians and muscle-flexingNigerian politicians and muscle-flexing by Patience Akpan-Obong

A long, long time ago, I fell in love with a cute two-year-old boy
named David. I delighted in taking photos of him and loved his earnest
mien as he peered at the lenses of my Nikon. While he hardly smiled,
he would give me whatever pose I asked of him. I later found that the
best way to get a smile out of him was to say: "David, show me your
muscles." He would promptly raise his left arm at an angle and flex
it. He was skinny buthe believed he had muscles and proudly flexed
them. That was when he gave me his shy smile. I loved the smile and
didn't see any point in bursting his bubble and the illusion ofmuscle
power. He was my baby ... in a round-about-sort-of-way.
David is now 26. I haven't seen him in years and I doubt that he'll be
so willing to flex his muscles for me. Thiswon't be necessary, in any
case; he smiles easily these days - at least going by the photos on
his Facebook page.
I thought of David and his 'muscles' this week in relation to the
manner inwhich Nigerian politicians flex theirs when other countries
adopt policies that negatively affect Nigerians. It's asif they think
the countries would say, "Oops, Nigerian politicians are upset, we
will stand down!"
The other day a House Rep who chairsthe committee on diaspora affairs,
Ms.Abike Dabiri-Erewa, got fired up over two separate incidents in
Washington, D.C. and New York in which Nigerian cab drivers were
murdered. She ordered the 'American security agencies' to "fish out
the perpetrators of this senseless killings and ... look deep into it
as it's has now become a recurring decimal." Of course, my heart
breaks for anyone, Nigerian or non-Nigerian, who is dispatched to the
great beyond untimely and violently. The Nigerian government should
certainly be invested in investigations into these tragic incidents.
However, Ms. Dabiri-Erewa's indignation sounds infuriatingly
self-righteous. There is a presumptuousness that Nigeria has the
inside track on solving crimes, ensuring justice and preventing
'senseless killings'. We all know that this is an international joke,
even before the ascendance of Boko Haram,the rag tag sect that has
turned parts of the country into killing fields. In the past three
years, hundreds of lives (perhaps thousands) have been Boko-Haramised.
Other numerous incidents of 'senseless killings', including a most
heinous street justice meted to a college student while policemen
watched, have become commonplace in the country.Shouldn't Ms.
Dabiri-Erewa extend herindignation to Nigerian 'security agencies'?
That's one sector that would benefit immensely from some policy muscle
power!
Another instance of ineffectual muscle-flexing this week is the
reaction of many Nigerian lawmakers to UK's proposal to demand a
£3,000 cash deposit from Nigerian visitors. The money would be
forfeited if the visitors outstay their UK welcome. Nigerian
politicians are flexing their muscles ... probably in hope that the
Brits will drop the idea? To show deep penitence, the Brits might even
write an apology letter (in quadruplets for maximum effect) to
Nigerians. I know miracles still happen but I'm not holding my breath.
Still, there are two ways that Nigeria can respond to this policy
(which takes off in November).
First, the Nigerian government can exploit its consular reciprocity
provision and impose a similar bond on Brits visiting Nigeria. Even
this might still amount to nothing but a two-year-old boy's
muscle-flexing. Any Brit who has a strong enough reason to run and
hide in Nigeria would certainly afford to throw away the bond money.
That's because they would already be loaded enough if they elect to
live in the shadows in a country where the Kidnapper's Morning Prayers
include: "God give me this day an oyinbo man, IJN." (I know, not all
Brits are oyinbo but many Black Brits coming to Nigeria are probably
Nigerians with dual citizenships.)
Second, Nigerian politicians could "look deep into" the reasons why
many Nigerians leave their motherland to live in the shadows in other
countries. Life as an illegal alienis no life at all. For one thing,
one can't work legally or study in many countries. Often the only work
available to an illegal is 'crayfish job'. While such jobs will put
food on the table and perhaps a roof over one's head, they hardly
provide any sort of luxury. And indeed to make a sustainable living
out of crayfish jobs, one often needs to do more than two and probably
work 20-hour days. Nigerian politicians need to figure out why many
Nigerians would preferthis kind of life to living in their own country
... and then do something about it.In any case, and this is the crux
of the matter, the £3,000 deposit is pocket change for those who are
able to get the visa in the first place. After all, with the
increasing efforts to discourage Nigerians from entering certain
countries, visa requirements have become so stringent that the average
'Okon Lagos' can't even find his way to the 'embassy row' in Victoria
Island, let alone get a visa appointment.
And so after all the muscle-flexing, politicians will return to their
regularly scheduled programming. The lawmakers in Abuja will continue
to send their girlfriends (and a few 'lucky' boyfriends), mistresses
(and a few 'lucky' boy toys), children and spouses (often in that
order) to London on shopping sprees and 'holidays'. They'll just
increase their allowances from the national treasuryto ensure there is
enough 'free money' to post the bond. For the rest of Nigerians, all
they want for Christmas is a good road to travel to the market in the
'townships', trade their wares (maybe buy 'Nigerian wax' every now and
then) and return home without being robbed, kidnapped or worse.
It feels good though to see Nigerian officials speaking for Nigerians.
Those of us in the Diaspora can tell our hosts: "Don't mess with me
'cos I've got peeps in high places." That is, until we realise that
all that muscle-flexing is akin to what my darling David did some 24
years ago: all flexing and no muscle. No offence, Dave, you are still
my favourite "Aquah man!"