The Bus Preacher Vs The Queen Of The Coast By Don Norman Obinna

By Don Norman Obinna
As you are about to read this column, thank God wholeheartedly if you
are among those he has delivered from boarding public buses. The
menace associated with this act, to say the least is exasperating.
Apart from the driver's/conductor's nuisance which you have no choice
but to tolerate, you also have these obnoxious and guileful brown
envelop carrying preachers to contend with.
Apparently, religion has become the opium of the people simply because
of the government dereliction of its statutory obligations. The more
people are impoverished, the more they become impressionable to all
sorts of messages in the name of the gospel. The more unemployment
accelerates the more young men and women resorts to self-serving
preaching as a means of survival.
It is so loathsome to say the least thatthis is done without
considerations for the passengers' susceptibilities. Beside the badly
spoken English language mostly used by some of them to convey the
message and saliva often poured on passengers sitting close-by, the
content of their messages are oftentimes contradictory to the real
gospel of ourLord Jesus Christ.
My experience inside these public buses these past few weeks my car
broke down upon my return from Abiastate because of bad roads is not
palatable at all but, at least I found this particular one very
interesting to share with you on this column. The day was Friday last
week and the weather also was not too convivial. I hurriedly boarded a
bus heading to Ikeja from Obalende, to at least avoid being drenched
by the rain which at that point had already started drizzling. Sitting
beside me was a young man wearing a faded but well ironed suit
probably in his 40's. As the bus was about to move, this young man
stood up and greeted everyone in the bus. His mission was to preach
the gospel which according to him, hehas been doing for the past 20
years.
As he was about to commence preaching, he ordered the men putting on
caps to put them off, while the women he commanded to cover their
heads as a sign of respect to the presence of God which he boasted was
already overflowing in the bus. I was totally dismayed by the alacrity
with which almost everybody in the bus complied with this command.
After the praying bout and indecipherable tongue speaking, the shout
of "Halleluiah" rented the entire bus as he commanded passengers to
wave their problems away by waving unto the Lord.
Trust Nigerians, the compliance was very tremendous. Buoyed by this,
he commandingly introduced himself as a prophet of God sent to deliver
people, especially passengers from bondage and accident causing
demons. He indirectly derided the passengers as people of little faith
and challenged God to physically manifest his power in this bus if
indeed he is God's servant. His preaching to those willing to listen
was on the powers and the manipulations of evil forces and marine
spirits.
As we got to the middle of Third Mainland Bridge, he stopped the
preaching abruptly and started mumbling. Quietly but with a strong
voice he said, "I perceived the presence of the queen of the Coast in
this bus". Gullibly some shouted, "Theblood of Jesus". At this point,
the prophet violently began to bind and loose and subsequently
demanded that all eyes should be closed. Suddenly there was this
horrific scream which interrupted the prayer and forced every eyes
opened.
Behold, it emanated from a beautiful, fair in complexion and smartly
dressed lady sitting at the rear seat ofthe LT 35 bus. With her eyes
ablaze with contrived anger and contorted face, she pointed at the so
called man of God and declared, "This is my territory and how dare you
think you can stop me? You dare not disparage my kingdom henceforth,
understand! She yelled at the prophet. In fact, you must be extremely
discernable to understand that this was a contrived plot ingeniously
executed by two guile fellows just to extort gullible and unsuspecting
passengers in the name of God.
At this point, there was an uneasy calm inside the bus; passengers
were already jittery, especially those sitting at the rear seat with
the so called queen of the coast. Expectedly the prophet replied in a
commanding tune "shut up you blood sucking demon from the marine
world. I comeagainst you in the name of our Lord Jesus". With her eyes
fixed on the preacher, the lady laughed scornfully and wanted to utter
some words, but the so called prophet cuts in. "I seal your mouth with
heavenly super glue. And by the power vested upon me as the oracle of
Jehovah the most high God, I put you into temporary sleep in the
mighty name of Jesus" hecommanded. But trust Nigerians, almost
everybody was too nervous to chorus Amen, at least not in the middle
of the lagoon. It will be like insulting someone right in hercompound.
"God of Elijah, Fireeeeeeeeeee," He thundered. Lifting his hands above
his shoulders he continued, Jehovah! No be you bi the snake wey dey
swallow snake? The burning fire, oya! Gbooosshhaa!
After putting up a little resistance, themighty queen of the coast
staggered a bit and suddenly fell into sleep as commanded by the
prophet. Much to the relief of the passengers, especially those at the
rear seat who kept shouting, "Thank you Jesus". Buoyed by the
ingenuousness of the passengers the prophet continued, "The Lord did
not lead me into this bus accidentally. I am here to save your souls
from this blood sucking demon from hell". Pointing at the queen of the
coast, he continued. Her plan was to cause a fatal accident and
subsequently remit blood to her insatiable kingdom, but the Lord has
acounter plan." Praise the Lord" he thundered in heavily Edo accent.
But people responded pragmatically.
In fact, the passengers' subservience to this prophet was so
nauseating to say the least. The fact that almost everyone acted as if
they were under spell made me quiver with anger. I shook my head in
disbelief; does this mean that Nigerians go to church in vain? I
mumbled to myself rhetorically. At least the bible is replete with
compendious information about God and his modus operandi. No wonder
the bible says "my people perished because of lack of knowledge". I
concluded frustratingly.
After some abracadabra and fake spiritual demonstrations, the
prophetcleared his throat and began to prophesy, this time in outdated
English language reminiscent of the King James Version. "There is a
man inthis bus, who loves everything and anything in skirt. Repent ye
son of man for the anger of God is come upon ye and your end shall be
worst than your beginning". He warned repeatedly. With his eyes firmly
closed and arms fidgety he continued,"There is a young lady in this
bus whose plan is to spend this weekend with a man who is not her
husband. Thou shall try it not as ye may not be alive to tell the
story". But before he could conclude the statement; the gullible had
shouted, "It is not my portion in Jesus name".
My frustration grew further at this point; how can people be so dumb?
Of course a man having so many bed partners or a lady planning to
spend weekend in a man's house on a Fridayare commonly acceptable
social activities in Lagos; albeit religious people who will argue on
the contrary. So it is expected that a bus carrying approximately 23
passengerswill have all manner of people on board. I was so
disappointed that people could not figure out that this man was
psychologically manipulating them in the name of God.
As I sat still pondering the matter with my eyes fixed on the so
called prophet, he sneaked a surreptitious glance at me. Absolutely
noticing my slightly protruded stomach, he continued. "Thank you
Jesus. Oh! There is a young man here with a pot-belly, hummmmm! How
long shall thou continue to imbibe alcohol? I see death coming like a
whirled wind. But thank God your deliverance has come. It shall not be
your portion, in the mighty name of Jesus" he shouted. The chorus of
Amen like a thunder rented the bus once again to my sheer trepidation.
At this point I was indignant and was almost stirred to protest, but
quickly subjected my temperament under control. Apparently aware of my
disposition, the so called prophet threw a light-hearted banter just
to placate me and also ameliorate the almost tensed atmosphere in the
bus.
Noticing that he was running out of time, he hurriedly asked everyone
to bow down their heads for prayer. After the prayer, he afterward
broughtout a large quantity of brown envelops and cajoled passengers
to give cheerfully to the Lord of harvest who is seeking for that
faithful personto bless abundantly according to his riches in Christ
Jesus.
Absolutely astonished by the passengers' response, he tactically
admonished them on the power of seed. And thereafter challenge them to
try God with their seeds. He mentioned all kinds of seed and their
ripple effects and encouraged the passengers not to miss this
wonderfulopportunity with the Lord for a last minute miracle. Of
course the acquiescence was amazing. Smiling, he asked everybody to
lift their handsup for benediction.
As he shouted in the name of Jesus, behold there was a heavy sneeze;
alas, the queen of the coast is back to consciousness again staring at
everyone to the consternation of the passengers. As he turned his
attention towards her, he amorously asked, "Are you ready for your
salvation now"? Humbly the queen of the coast nodded in affirmative.
"Are you ready to abjure marine spirit and accept Jesus as your Lord
and saviour"? The prophet asked, this time more intimately. Yes, she
replied covering her face with her palm." Do you desire a total
deliverance from the marine world"? He asked yet again, encouraging
her to speak up. Crying, she replied "yes". "In that case you will
follow me to my church immediately" he ordered thelady.
At this point, the prophet leapt for joy and ordered everybody to put
their hands together for the Lord. As this was going on, he beckoned
the queen of the coast to rise onto her feet and follow him. He
gleefully thanked everybody in the bus for granting him audience. And
the next thing we heard was, "driverowa oooO! 7up mo ti fe bole.I
could not help but laugh uncontrollably as the queen of the coast
hurriedly alighted from the bus with her man. Did I hear someone say
'a perfect drama filled with contrivances of plot?' Lagos na waa!